New Year's Resolutions
by forcedapathy
Summary: Dear ... It has come to our attention that you are a blithering, stupid... egregious, insufferable, sorry excuse for a person. In your best interests please take on board the list above. Signed by Scotland Yard's finest, Dr Watson and Mr Holmes.
1. Anderson's NYRs

**Anderson's New Year's Resolutions (Written by Sherlock, John and the **_**entire**_** Scotland Yard, excluding Sergeant Donovan.)**

First and foremost, I will stop having little 'meetings' with Sergeant Donovan about 'work'. Especially when I am at work because that is just disgusting. _("You would not **believe** the counselling bills.")_

I will stop Sergeant Donovan from cleaning my house, especially my floors.

I will stop being an 'unfaithful man slag.'

When said meeting with Sergeant Donovan inevitably happens I will stop holding Sergeant Donovan fully responsible, and then proceeding to blame it on 'my irresistible charms'.

I will not accuse Sergeant Donovan of sexual assault every time anybody mentions my unfaithfulness.

I will, as Sherlock so eloquently put it, 'get some intelligence.'

I will find out where to get said intelligence.

I will stop talking in my 'nails-on-a-blackboard nasal voice.'

I will get vocal coaching.

Actually, I will just stop talking full stop.

I will stop being 'such a ridiculously pompous pea –brain.'

I will stop contaminating crime scenes like the stupid brute I am.

I will stop pretending I am helping when I am at crime scene in any way, shape or form.

I will stop _thinking ("Really? Anderson has a brain?")_ I am helping when I am at crime scene in any way, shape or form.

I will stop pretending what I am doing can actually be classified as 'working.'

I will stop _thinking_ what I am doing can actually be classified as 'working.'

I will stop pretending my presence at a crime scene is actually important.

I will stop _thinking_ my presence at a crime scene is actually important.

I will stop pretending I know what I am saying.

I will stop _thinking_ I know what I am saying.

I will stop demeaning the importance of my job – when it's done by someone competent - with my stupidity; it is insulting to other forensic officers.

Seen as this is impossible, I will try to keep out of everyone's way and sharpen pencils.

In fact, I will stop working at Scotland Yard as I am a blithering, stupid, abhorrent, pusillanimous, vile, antagonist, repulsive, odious, egregious, insufferable – _("I think that's enough now Sherlock." "Hey, that last one was John.")_ Sorry excuse for a person.

I will get a life.

I will find out where to get said life.

I will get a haircut – because what the hell is that stuff meant to look like on my head?

I will buy some kind of miracle- actually I will get a face transplant as I am too much of a fright to even contemplate fixing.

If this fails, I will make my death as interesting as possible to entertain Sherlock.

If I die, I will die face down – otherwise Sherlock won't be able to focus.

When I predictably fail at _all _these above I will wear a paper bag and talk to no one as nobody wants to have to see such a monstrosity so early in the year. I'm sure it is equivalent to cursing the year with bad luck, probably along the lines of walking under a ladder, seeing a black cat or_ breaking a mirror_ _("Ha, Anderson probably breaks alot of those." "Sherlock!" "What? You were all thinking it!")_

**Signed by Scotland Yard's _finest_ _("So it goes without saying that Sergeant Donovan is excluded." "Sherlock!" "Don't tell me you disagree?")_, Dr Watson and Mr Holmes.**

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><p><strong>Disclaimer: I don't own. Don't sue. =D<strong>

**Did you like it? Please review! ;) Hmm who should I do next? XD **


	2. Moriarty's NYRs

**Moriarty's New Year's Resolutions (Written by Sherlock, John and the **_**entire**_** Scotland Yard.)**

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><p><em>Dear Moriarty, <em>

_It has come to our attention that you are a notorious, dangerous, mass murderer who needs to be stopped. In __**your**__ best interests please take on board the list below. _

I will stop threatening to blow up: people, public swimming pools, private swimming pools, public buildings, private buildings, flats, houses or anything in general.

I will stop _actually_ blowing up: people, public swimming pools, private swimming pools, public buildings, private buildings, flats, houses or anything in general.

I will stop poisoning people who laugh at me.

I will stop poisoning people altogether.

I will stop sponsoring lunatic taxi drivers to kill people because, fortunately, it is not a recognised sport and is not associated with any charity.

I will stop killing people full stop.

I will stop getting _other_ people to kill people.

I will stop organising international Chinese smugglers.

Actually, I will just stop organising crime, international or not.

I will stop stalking people because it's downright creepy.

I will stop getting _other_ people to stalk people.

I will stop sending weird phones to people; that usually occurs after at least a few dates.

I will stop sending people strange pictures of their own house (see the stalker thing).

I will stop being an intelligent, camp bastard. _("Nice one there John." "Thank you, Sherlock.")_

I will take some tablets to make my voice break.

I will try an online dating site. (Though, preferably not evil-geniuses-who-want-to-kill-sherlock-holmes . com ) I'm sure there's a better way to get a date than kidnapping, threatening or attacking.

Or failing that I will try 'speed dating'.

I will get a hobby, maybe golf, to 'stop being bored.' Or maybe a war game would be more suited.

I will take up Sudoku or Chess.

I will stop:

Shooting people,

Stabbing people,

Running people over,

Blackmailing people,

Threatening people,

Causing 'unfortunate accidents',

Replicating paintings,

Smuggling people in and out of the country,

Setting up crime scenes,

Dealing in drugs,

Stealing and selling ancient artefacts,

Dealing in firearms,

Hiring assassins

And- well, you get the idea.

In fact, I will just stop doing anything that could be deemed inappropriate by someone other than me because I have the principles of, well, weirdly enough, a mass murderer.

However most importantly, I will stop being an annoying, pompous, egotistical, conceited, ignorant, self-important, cowardly, arrogant arse. _("__**Very**__ inventive John, impressive.")_

_Cheerfully signed by Scotland Yard's __**finest**__, Dr Watson and Mr Holmes_

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><p><strong>Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN SHERLOCK BUT PLEASE GIVE IT TO ME AFTER THAT BRILLIANT NEW EPISODE!<strong>

**WAS IT JUST ME OR WAS THE NEW EPISODE FRICKING AWESOME? I'm so glad that Irene didn't win, even though you thought she was going to and the characters were so well played. There were some nice Mycroft and Sherlock/John and Sherlock moments too! Aaawww and the Molly scene... I loved how Mycroft acknowledged only Sherlock could fool him and was it just me or did Irene never really 'win'? She used violence, not cunning the first time, whereas he outsmarted her, and he figured out the passcode at the end and she lost everything. She played him well, but she didn't 'win' really... Hmm... In fact she lost didn't she? Cos Sherlock said "And this is losing." At the end when he realised the _passcode_. And then she well... lost... Great episode!=D**

**Phew, okay physco fan girl vent over with ;) Review please! =D**


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